Coming clean

It happened. We had the discussion before work this morning. He was telling me about places he was looking at for a getaway this fall. He asked, "Should I wait to book anything?" "yes." "What's our budget?" "I don't know." "Can we afford this?" "I don't know." "What aren't you telling me?"

So after I got ready, I went downstairs and told him. Everything. No more hiding. No more holding back. And his reaction was exactly the same as all the other times. Screaming. More screaming. Threats. Not bodily. But: I'm gonna take total control of the money and you won't get a dime to spend. And I just looked at him. Because that didn't upset me. That's what I want.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a money problem. Not just spending. I do like shopping, but I get the same high when I write a check to a charity. Going to school was the ultimate spending. Every time I paid the bill, I knew that this was for me. Buying presents for friends. Paying for dinner. It's all the same. All the while knowing that I was gonna have to pay that credit card.

So I would plot and plan. OK. What if I get a new job that pays more? The reality is, and I shared this with my husband, it still doesn't solve the underlying problem. I am wired this way. Going to Vegas- would be bad, bad, bad. Gambling is the same kind of addiction, and spending and then hoping to find a way to pay off the bills is just like losing and then thinking you're gonna win it back. And you never do.

So I begged my husband to help me. Be angry. Scream at me. Take away all funds. I don't want to be like this. Just know that I really don't want to be this person. He calls me "the cat," because he knows I'm being sneaky. I don't want to be the cat anymore. I want to be his wife, who makes his lunch before he goes out sailing, because we can afford to retire and relax and be together.

God give me the strength to always come clean and to overcome this addiction.