Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Tuesday. Just Tuesday.

My co-workers have noticed my funk and I don't want to be like that. Kind of like "when you are fasting, don't act all faint, etc." But it's weighing so heavily on my mind. I looked at the budget last night. It's scary For as much as we make, we are always behind. Even if we never bought clothes or went out, it wouldn't matter. So I play with the numbers. What if we didn't have tuition to pay? What if the orthodontist was paid off? What if we didn't buy gas? Ha! $400 a month. Ridiculous. After December, we should be able to put tuition and orthodontist money towards paying off the credit cards, but I know there will still not be room to breathe.

I'm waiting to hear about a job opportunity. I'm trying not to obsess about it, but I check my email constantly. It won't solve everything, but maybe it will keep my husband from working overtime. I'm nervous because it's the kind of job that matters- people actually depend on you. I don't have the confidence I used to have, but I have faith. If I am meant to be there, it will happen. If I am meant to keep looking, I will. I thought that if I made money on the side, that would help, but that just leads to more shopping for supplies. And I have a room full of supplies. I did make something the other day out of things on hand. It felt very good and the person loved my gift. I was thinking that maybe that is my challenge from now on, but I have to smile- because I don't have a choice. No more shopping. 

Stop. My brain fluctuates between martyrdom/feeling sorry for myself and guilt. Shut up. You did this. You make more money than most people and you act all deprived. Shut up. Fix it.

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