Tuesday. Just Tuesday.

My co-workers have noticed my funk and I don't want to be like that. Kind of like "when you are fasting, don't act all faint, etc." But it's weighing so heavily on my mind. I looked at the budget last night. It's scary For as much as we make, we are always behind. Even if we never bought clothes or went out, it wouldn't matter. So I play with the numbers. What if we didn't have tuition to pay? What if the orthodontist was paid off? What if we didn't buy gas? Ha! $400 a month. Ridiculous. After December, we should be able to put tuition and orthodontist money towards paying off the credit cards, but I know there will still not be room to breathe.

I'm waiting to hear about a job opportunity. I'm trying not to obsess about it, but I check my email constantly. It won't solve everything, but maybe it will keep my husband from working overtime. I'm nervous because it's the kind of job that matters- people actually depend on you. I don't have the confidence I used to have, but I have faith. If I am meant to be there, it will happen. If I am meant to keep looking, I will. I thought that if I made money on the side, that would help, but that just leads to more shopping for supplies. And I have a room full of supplies. I did make something the other day out of things on hand. It felt very good and the person loved my gift. I was thinking that maybe that is my challenge from now on, but I have to smile- because I don't have a choice. No more shopping. 


Stop. My brain fluctuates between martyrdom/feeling sorry for myself and guilt. Shut up. You did this. You make more money than most people and you act all deprived. Shut up. Fix it.

Now what do we do?

My husband is away on a business trip. Left today. I could tell things have changed between us. I told him that the little sparkle in his eyes is gone. He said that he's a very untrusting, cynical person and this was tough for him. My lying to him. And I totally understand that. This man can't keep a secret for anything. And I am the best. The hard part now is being disciplined, not feeling overwhelmed, not getting depressed. When we (or he) feels free from money problems, we have a good time together. Now he says he'll have to work overtime to take care of this. I really don't want that. I want him around. I want him watching the game while I cook in the kitchen. I want him sitting next to me in church. I want him there on Saturday mornings. I want the sparkle back in his eyes.

Coming clean

It happened. We had the discussion before work this morning. He was telling me about places he was looking at for a getaway this fall. He asked, "Should I wait to book anything?" "yes." "What's our budget?" "I don't know." "Can we afford this?" "I don't know." "What aren't you telling me?"

So after I got ready, I went downstairs and told him. Everything. No more hiding. No more holding back. And his reaction was exactly the same as all the other times. Screaming. More screaming. Threats. Not bodily. But: I'm gonna take total control of the money and you won't get a dime to spend. And I just looked at him. Because that didn't upset me. That's what I want.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a money problem. Not just spending. I do like shopping, but I get the same high when I write a check to a charity. Going to school was the ultimate spending. Every time I paid the bill, I knew that this was for me. Buying presents for friends. Paying for dinner. It's all the same. All the while knowing that I was gonna have to pay that credit card.

So I would plot and plan. OK. What if I get a new job that pays more? The reality is, and I shared this with my husband, it still doesn't solve the underlying problem. I am wired this way. Going to Vegas- would be bad, bad, bad. Gambling is the same kind of addiction, and spending and then hoping to find a way to pay off the bills is just like losing and then thinking you're gonna win it back. And you never do.

So I begged my husband to help me. Be angry. Scream at me. Take away all funds. I don't want to be like this. Just know that I really don't want to be this person. He calls me "the cat," because he knows I'm being sneaky. I don't want to be the cat anymore. I want to be his wife, who makes his lunch before he goes out sailing, because we can afford to retire and relax and be together.

God give me the strength to always come clean and to overcome this addiction.

Sequestered

I dreamt that my husband had cleaned out the basement and the garage. Except this ginormous armoire that still had some of the children's toys and blankets in it. I was happy and nervous that "important" stuff had been disposed of. Then a neighbor walked over and made some comment about the other stuff. I looked down the driveway and saw that everything had simply been put there. My husband was hoping people would just take it. But it was STILL THERE. And I could see it. The clothes, the stuff. The problem was still in front of me.

It never really does go away, does it? An addiction. Guilt. It's about how you manage it. I want to say "control" but obviously "it" controls me.

I am surrounded by so much stuff that could be sold or donated or discarded. I asked my son to sell some stuff on Craig's List or EBay (he doesn't have a job), and we could split the proceeds. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I could probably pull stuff out for a yard sale, but I would be embarrassed for my neighbors to see all of this shit.

But, good news. I stayed home form work today, so I haven't left the house, and haven't spent any money. I'm trying to unsubscribe to a number of email/commerce temptations, but they are relentless. I have to try to be just as relentless. In all areas.

Totally out of control

I can't stand it. I'm so out of control. Debt gets deeper. I have no sense of self control: tell myself no carbs... 20 minutes later I'm eating a box of donuts (which I neither need nor can afford); tell myself to exercise...I'm taking a nap. No spending.... yeah right.

Just a little willpower. Please. I'm stuck. In this messy house. In this body. In this debt. How can I lose the clutter, the weight, the debt? The guilt?

How absolutely ridiculous that I am sitting here wallowing in this self-manufactured problem. I get upset with people at work for working "around" problems. If someone isn't doing his/her job, a new person is hired to make up the difference. Instead of dealing with this head on. Moving the person to a job that's better suited OR moving them towards the door so someone who deserves the job can have it. Save money. Save time. Remove the dead weight.

I'm working around all of my own problems. Maybe a job that pays more? Nope. Haven't solved the problem. I'll just find ways to spend it over and over again. Maybe I should just be content with my body? Sounds like not having to work at it. Maybe I need a housekeeper? Hmm. Been there. Costs money. Frees up space to buy more shit. Really? How do I pare this down? Meal planning. Yes. Saves money and is healthier and requires organization. Leave cards at home unless absolutely necessary. Look for best days/places to buy gas. Fill a donation bag or garbage bag every single day. And why am I carrying this dead weight around my stomach and on my legs and face and hips?

I think I just realized something, but I can't share it yet. I have a lot to do.

Off the wagon

It doesn't take much, does it? Lent is over and the floodgates opened. Family is visiting- spend money. Getting ready for an event- spend money. Mother's Day was anti-climactic- spend money.

Dear hubby asked the question last night: So how much IS on American Express? I said- not that much. Should be paid off in a few months. He groaned. I knew this was God's way of telling me to be honest with him. Tell him I have a serious problem and that I need his help. But I didn't. I got that knot in my stomach, that ache in my heart and that lump in my throat. WTF. Seriously. Get a grip.

Off the wagon?

I had run out of a few "necessities" and thought I'd walk up street to the drugstore. Facewash. yes. Pads. yes.  Deodorant. check.  Maybe some lip liner. On sale. Lipstick. Why not. But let's add hair color, dexatrim, 5 hour energy, and razors. It came to $90.02. Really? Now I'm looking at the receipt and see I was charged 9.99 for something called SGL Brothers? What? So, on one hand I'm annoyed that I spent that much (the dexatrim was expensive, but I am constantly hungry); on the other hand, I'm annoyed that I was charged for something I didn't buy. How did I not notice that? Ugh. Back to the store.